persona_system: Sephiroth in the sunset. Hope. (S: Hope)
And I want to talk, so... I guess I'll post this there later. Or... If IJ is back up by the time I'm done writing, I'll crosspost it.

We ordered some books last night. Well, Ender did. He ordered an Algebra book, Geometry... Physics, Chem, and Biology. He said he and I (and Farf and Nagi, if they want) are going to do our old memorization trick, and basically memorize the books and the theories. It shouldn't take us more than a few months to get through those books, and after that Ender wants to start getting us into some more advanced Physics and Chem, and more advanced math.

Now, onto my daily panic attack. :\ You can skip this if you like.

I hate waking up to an inbox full of responses. Or, I used to. It used to be just a hassle to sort through them. Now it's like... It's like even one response and I panic unless I know before hand what it is. If it's to a meme or something, it's fine. But once I start talking about anything more serious it's like... I can help but feel everyone's going to yell at me. It doesn't matter what the topic is, either.

I didn't used to be like this. Not at all. I'd debate for hours on devArt. But now... Now it's so bad, sometimes I'm afraid to even post in our journals anywhere. And I hate the fear, because it makes me feel so irrational. I start thinking things like "Why is so-and-so even friends with me? All they ever do is lecture me!" even though I know logically that's not true at all. In fact, so-and-so might never have lectured me or been mad at me or anything of the sort. But it doesn't feel like that.

And even when people are agreeing with me, it always feels like they're saying "you might be right this time, but you're still a stupid kid." And it's the stupid kid part that hurts, even though I don't think it's really there. But that's the thing, I don't KNOW what they're thinking. I don't get the inflection or anything at all, and so it all just feels like an attack, or sarcasm, or something.

It only makes it worse that we don't get a lot of comments. I think... Zax says I'm not used to talking to people anymore. I think he's right. I mean, our journals are always pretty dead, so when we get any comment at all it's a big deal for us, but then it's like... Like panic. Like, "why is this person talking to me?" or... or I don't know.

Anyway, I'm NOT saying don't ever comment. Just that... Well, I'm just trying to make myself feel better by talking about this, you know? And I'm trying really hard to rationalize out of it.

I think... I think the problem is... It's that, normally when people get into drama online, they say things like "it's just online. It doesn't affect ME at all" to sort of rationalize the hurt and the stress away. But we can't do that at all, because online is all we have. So for us, anything online is just magnified. It's like logging on is like going to school, and all our flist and the people on the communities everywhere are the other students that are our friends, or sometimes not really our friends, and the older people on our flists are like our teachers almost or something.

I don't know...


persona_system: "I am a soldier. I fight where I'm told, and win where I fight." (Default)

March 2010

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