persona_system: "I am a soldier. I fight where I'm told, and win where I fight." (Default)
[personal profile] persona_system
It's the big 21 today. The body is now as old as I was when I died. My feelings on this are kind of... mixed. On the one hand, woohoo, Zax, Ender and I have made it ten years, and heres to ten more. On the other hand the selfish part of me keeps saying things like, "If the body lives another year, it'll have outlived ME. Why couldn't I have my life instead?"

We got a very nice bracelet from our grandmother, and a computer we'll have to fix. We also got a beer from our mom's boss (lol), and dinner at Applebee's.

Lately I've been feeling very homesick. I almost always am, I think. I've always felt I don't really belong here. But lately it feels almost like spotlights have been throwing moments from my life into sharp relief. The clarity is both startling and painful. Zax says he thinks it's because the system has become a step more separated, each person removing their memories from the collective. I don't know if he's right, but whatever's causing it, I feel a bit like I can't handle it.

I guess I've realized that the only thing keeping me here is the people I care about. It's not that I have nothing here besides them. It's rather that the things I have here aren't worth as much as the things I used to have. Not that I can ever get my rank or position back, but I don't think I can achieve as much satisfaction in this world as I had then. I'd like to try, but I think I'll always feel like a general without an army to lead. That's how I feel right now. Redundant, useless, accomplishing things only for myself rather than the world as a whole.

Ender says he'll be able to create a stable, safe way for us to travel back and forth to our home worlds within six months. If he does, i think maybe I'd like to take some time off there.

Happy Birthday, Persona System.

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persona_system: "I am a soldier. I fight where I'm told, and win where I fight." (Default)

March 2010

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